TO THINK IS EASY.. TO ACT IS DIFFICULT .TO THINK AND ACT IS THE MOST DIFFICULT

I was really skeptic about posting this but I guess I owe an explanation to my readers who have been with me for so long. I keep on absconding from the blogging scene but there was a reason behind this which I thought to share with you all at the right time. I have been very anonymous and didn’t get personal in the blog. However there were some exceptions with whom I interacted at personal level. So here is my story in short.

Before JAN 2007

As part of my background I hail from a medium class family. I was always good at science and maths which prompted me to take science. Nobody in my family was from science background and I suffered a lot from this as no one was there to guide me. I didn’t join any coaching institute for my IIT prep and prepared on my own. I was pretty naive and did all kind of blunders hence I ended up repeating the year. I joined a local coaching institute and to my bad luck they also turned up to be fraud. This I came to know just after my screening results. I was able to clear the screening but no one was there to tell me how to proceed. Wherever I went they discouraged me. On 15th March 2001 I cried and gave up all hope for IITs and started preparing for other entrance exams. That was first year of AIEEE. I took all exams and did fairly well, also the state exam through which we get into NITs I got a very decent rank in that and was pretty sure to get into any one of the NITs(National Institute of Technology) . Apart from that I was offered civil in Delhi College of Engineering. I left the civil seat as I was keen to do electronics engineering. To my bad luck that year they scrapped of state exam for NITs and took admits through AIEEE. AIEEE was the first to give results and hence I submitted the fees in a deemed university where I got admit. After further up gradation they were not ready to return my money also I was not much aware about how second counseling used to happen for other entrance exams. Hence I ended up giving up seats of great colleges like BIT Mesra, IIIT Hyderabad etc. and ended up with a not much known college.

However after this phase I put all my energy into my studies and was topper of the university. All the time I used to think may be sometime in life I will get what I deserve. Placements started and I ended up with a great US based company which many people desired of and I being one of lucky few getting in core Electronics Company.

During my college days I always saw people more keen towards GRE but I had something else in mind. There were few guys who used to prepare for CAT(Common Aptitude Test). They had made a group and used to discuss and do GDs (Group Discussions) I came to know about CAT through them. It really fired me from inside as I found out more and more about CAT.

However I couldn’t take CAT that year due to family pressure. MY brother had died last year and I was in total shock. I decided to take CAT after I join the firm.

Year passed I bought all materials needed for prep. My job started and I came to Chennai. The life changed totally after that. The time I joined it was end of July 2006. I was to appear for CAT 2006. I couldn’t join any mocks because of my training schedule. It was pretty intensive also I was directly involved in customer projects due to sudden requirements. I was occupied with three things at one time training, project and flat hunting. In august due to some reason in chennai people don’t give house on rent. Faced lot of problem and couldn’t find any flat for a month I had to share room in a lodge with three other guys. It was 1.30 hrs away from my job place. I couldn’t find any time to study. This went on and the D-day came. Same time I lost a very special person. I went under depression and as expected results came I scored 75%ile. I lost all faith in me.

Jan2007-Nov 2007

I finally decided to join Career Launcher ( a coaching institute). But I was not able to conc. much due to work pressure and the mental agony I was going through. I just used to attend class .never interacted with anyone. It was at that time I read prem_ravi post in pagalguy, a MBA preparatory forum. It was that day I cried and promised I won’t let myself down. I deserve something and won’t let myself down I need all the things I lost to be back. Many times my 75%ile used to haunt me also my past used to let me down. I used to come and read the stories in pagalguy.com to take inspiration. My work was still very hectic. It used to start at 8 in the morning and go on till 10-11 at night. By 12:00 AM I used to start my studies and till 3:00 am used to go on. It was getting tough for me as I was not able to study early morning and at night I used to feel sleepy. However I used to fight back by trying all sort of techniques which used to be like using amrutanjan ( a balm for headache) on forehead and tying wet towel. My health started falling down but I never lost the hope.

During that time also I started blogging. It was a suggestion from a friend as I used to be very depressed with my personal life.I used to write poems in hindi in my diary. He encouraged me to blog. Hence in march I started and gradually it became a passion. I met many new people through it. I kept myself anonymous as it gave me freedom to write anything.

I made some new friends like lisa, akshay, akansha, Rajeev, shashank and many more.

I used to share a lot with LISA and AKSHAY.

Mock started and I attended time open mock and CL mock same day. I got around 50%ile in Time and 82%ile in CL I was shocked to core. I felt all my hard work has gone down the drain. Only good thing was VA was still my strength and I cleared VA cutoff of CL mock.

That time I had a talk with Akshay, she really fired me and inspired me a lot to push myself to extreme. To give up everything and focus .and hence I decided to take hiatus from blogging.

Many users of forum told me that we should not be down by seeing mock scores. I carried on with my work. And every time I was getting better. I used to take two mocks and analyze them properly. I learnt a lot by analyzing and how to move forward. However still I was not able to clear all sections. This was continuously nagging me. Finally I decided to take leave from job. I made a false medical certificate and went home for prep two months before actual day.

While surfing PaGaLGuY I got this Rocky balboa quote which kept me going all the time. I pasted this quote infront of my desk and it is still there

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that”

I used to do daily one test and used to take one section. My mock scores shot up. And I got my confidence back. My mocks were varying from 95-99%ile. But suddenly before last mock I scored 70%ile. This was a show down I started having second thoughts what if same will happen on the D-day. That was first time I came on ShoutBox ( a chat box of forum) and that day grondmaster( a user of pagalguy forum) and Harsharocks(another user) were online. They helped me out through that.

Harsha gave me the links of previous year IIM call getters mock scores. It really boosted my spirits and I felt a new energy inside me. With all my energy I revised everything last mock I got 98%ile all sections cleared

I was filled with joy but somehow was getting restless each day. The night before D-day I couldn’t sleep. I guess it was an emotional affair. Paper came. It was on last year pattern. I started with my strength Verbal Ability which as never let me down (always scoring around 95-99 %ile in that). This time per Reading Comprehension questions were less. One hour went I managed to do only 17 questions which were very less as per my performance. I was really disheartened took up DI and started solving. Easiest of all I couldn’t get in terms with paper. Half an hr was left and full quants was left. I felt I have lost it just managed to do 8 questions.

Came out no feelings.. nothing. Was just lost.

Dec 2007- Present

After this I came back to Chennai and met utsav through ShoutBox. And then the Chennai meet started that was my first outing in the year. I met many wonderful users of forum. The kind of energy and zest I felt it was never like that before. I used to personally loathe the place. But after meeting these people I found a new reason to stay there. Also to mention rajat one of the finest and balanced person I have ever met here. I got to learn a lot from him specially how to be cool. And crack GDs

Results came .IIMs dream was lost

However after a long time I got one single IIM call IIM Shillong.

I owe all my GD/PI preparation to utsav mamoria and his GTalk sessions.

What I learnt

• CAT: U gotta be cold .One should kill all his feelings towards it while attending it
• DOnt burn yourself out. I believe in the end i faltered because of working more than needed and in the end i felt saturated. It should be a balanced act
• CAT is not the end. CAT is the means of achieving an end. We often miss bigger picture
• While preparing for GD/PI I learned and realized it’s very important to know yourself. We should not be egoist one should fully acknowledge his strength and weaknesses
• Analyzing the mocks is the most important thing to do

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I am now going to start a new life. Finally the MBA dream! I got through IIM Shillong!!!

While concluding, I would like to share a mail I got when I used to have self doubts. Hope it will help someone as it helped me. It was from utsav only

Hi

This is all i want to say

I believe that what you are going through we all go through at some point in life, albeit at some different levels.
It all boils down to the debate of Ends v/s means .The end can always justify the means. But each and everything you do may not be focused towards achieving the means.
Achieving the End is like the Tour de France. You may not win every stage, you may not always wear the yellow jersey, but in the end the one who endures and comes out on top collectively is the Winner.

Faith can move mountains. Just keep faith

P.S Converted IIM SHILLONG  

Anathema [Part-1]

Anathema [Part-2]

“When you want something, the entire universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

The unturned page of ALCHEMIST was whispering the unsaid words. It seems that more than a singular world conspires. That night when he mailed her the reply it seems the luck, the life and the passion were making a perfect delta .In the heart of it was Saahil. Its strange how actions and thoughts get infinite magnitude. It’s strange how the amalgamation of these takes shape of a delusive force inside, which is called telepathy. Telepathy is what he felt that day when after mailing reply he got an instant answer back. Heart felt a jolt never felt before. That day they chatted through mails. Didn’t sleep till morning and when he went to bed there was a smile dangling on his face.

Somewhere around in the dreams it took shape which grew in heart. Don’t know what it is termed as, a mere attraction or desperation.

There are moments of revelation .yes there are, so interspersed that they make the reality go awry sometimes. When sometimes you approach yourself, the life takes a backseat and everything revolves around you. Most of the times this confrontation leaves you dumbstruck and then you feel pleasure in giving in. Aah! Pleasure the insanity of saner mind. Isn’t this pleasure which makes the saner to loose sanctity? The mere aspect of floatation is so beseeching that you feel pleased and satisfied.

He was floating inside his mind and she there. What was felt was love!

to be continued…

P.S: Its been long I started this this “long” story but Its weird that I feel so empty and stuck up. Not sure if I am still able to do justice.and whether I should continue this

Anathema [Part-1]

PART-2 Continues…

How good it is to be good. What makes an anathema? Our egalitarian society judges people by morale, by prudence, by insanity, by technicality, by rationality, by acuity and terms the negative sigma of all to be a pariah. Is it so?? Is It the reality we live in we seek in. Well then a second look perhaps becomes necessary to evaluate the mere fundamentals of judging the society discretion.

Society detests those who are good whose morality is good and the follower of the light are termed as ANATHEMA.

Saahil life’s story has many curvilinear bends. Since his childhood he has been taught and been inducted with high morale and self belief. Uhmmm well almost..almost all parents do so.. So what makes it special? The specialty is that there is nothing special. But perhaps Saahil is a rare occurrence as something we bequeathed or bequeath eventually has still stayed on with him.

A meritorious student he was. Very early in life he learned not to share his burden and keep it with him. His brother just a year younger was diagnosed with an incurable disease. He didn’t know about it then but knew that something was wrong when his brother decided not to walk one day. He used to see his mom silently crying behind the curtains sometimes. So the conscious mind of child decided not to trouble his mother and never to share his trouble. He made a promise to himself that whatever comes he needs to keep his mom happy .Days went by and Saahil grew up and got into engineering school.

It was just another day of June. saahil was at home just finished with his second year exams. His friend asked him to search for any project assistance with any professor so as to utilize the time. Excited by the prospects he started spending time on net and searching for prof email id. For few days this process continued but with no success. Jus for fun he deided man why not have a pen fried instead of wasting time on these guys who never reply.

CLICK! www. penpalsnow.com/ . Enter. Made a profile looked into a few and mailed a few. After 3 days a reply..cheers!

“got ur letter

quick facts—i’m 18 going 2 be 19 soon.i’m in kerala and ya its a tourist spot and no its not a hip and happening place. Currently under house arrest coz dad wants me 2 be a doc and after 18 years of saying yes one fine morning I said ”lemme think about it”.

I live with mom, sis and my pet dog scooby[ i named him after the cartoon. no prizes 4 guessing].dads an electrical engineer presently in abu dhabi.

its 12:30 am and why am i up so late? dads paranoid about me falling in love and mom is 2 keep a guard on me. Studied in a girl’s school all my life, popular there but when it comes 2 talking 2 guys i am at a total loss. Either i shut up altogether or worse—I talk about stupid things nonstop looking like a complete idiot.

So before i enter a college i have 2 sort out this problem. so i guessed the net would be the perfect for this. mom is in the resting mode right now.in other words there wont be a pair of eyes spying on me.

dont worry i’m not looking 4 a boyfriend.and i’m sorry if i’m boring u.

MUJHSE DOSTI KAROGE? tell more about urself in ur next letter. if u dont want 2 be my friend send me a nasty letter. dont forget 2 reply anyway

—Kavya ”.

to be continued…

P.S This is my first long story so I might go boring and loose flow … So please excuse I m trying my best to avoid unnecessary details and KISS- keep it simple stupid one more word to add..I wanna specially thanks to Guptaghost a fellow blogger who wrote a poem for me ..check this out DreamCatcher

“You are a criminal”

“You just like to carry the burden”

“Just trying to fool yourself and everyone around…”

“Throw it out”

“Dump it!”

“Throw it… Dump it …Throw it… dump it… Control

Control…”

Click! The phone hanged up. He checks the time on his laptop its 3:00 am in the morning. He just finished talking to stranger. Stranger perhaps no not stranger this guy know about him almost everything… how .?? How is it possible..hah!

It’s always easy to share your burden with unknown, he thinks

He moves towards washroom, like drunk. He is laden with clothes because its winter but he is still shivering, body temperature too low. This has been happening since…since. Since?? Last year November to be precise…

He faces himself in a mirror. It’s been long time knowing himself, he feels. He carefully observes himself.

Hmm time for a background check

Name: Saahil

Age: 24

Occupation: IT

Status: hmmmm a very relative word

“Mirror mirror on the wall, Who is the detested of all”, He speaks to the image standing in front of himself… He can see his forehead with bit of wrinkles…His tan complexion in orange light of GE bulb, the black rimmed spectacles, messed up hair, black big eyes. In sum not a very handsome figure.

“CHEWING GUM” He says to himself. Chewing gum, the more u chew more elastic it becomes, that’s what he has been his life, his morality. The idea of god the idea of perseverance, the idea of idealism, the idea of perfectionism, Infact this chewing gum is an idea

The idea to feel the euphony spelt in moments of solitude.

SPLASH! The water clears itself. He sees himself again in mirror with water dripping. How much related he felt with it. The love of minuscule drops, shapeless, takes shape of any container it is kept in and that’s what he felt for himself that’s what he ahs always tried to do. To take shape, take shape and fit in.A virtue of self proclaimed obituary!

He clears his face using a towel hanging nearby. He takes charge of his laptop again and starts typing…

An anthem, an anthem of Anathema…

To be continued

This is going to be a long story. Kindly bear with me…thanx n love

And she smiled…, playing hide and seek with her shawl with perspicuity of her face, bequeathing the fraternity of eyes gleaming an insane quirkiness of the skinny corner meet. The timid lips, a harridan possessed by the spirits of heart doing voodoo on the others. This smile was perhaps a symbol of euphemism of the goons like a penguin flight. It does flaps but in a sense to mock the indigence of its flight.

It’s been days, this new revelation at this hour of her age was creating a new ogling dynasty. The euphoria of moment was kicking the child in her heart defying the father brain. She was standing with feline elegance even though the posture was uncomfortable.

“What it is”, she asks herself for a reclusive answer. She finds herself in space recalling the first time she saw him across the bony buildings on the terrace gazing at her intently. Buildings are they alive? Can they see her inherent adultery which was piercing her tepid skin? She gazes again through the corner if he was still looking at her and yet again to find comfort with the fact that he is.

Building they say they breed lives but how dead they are, She finds herself at peace that they are nothing but container and can’t elude her surreptitious smile knowing the fact that she has been married for last 5 yrs .

”No, this is not wrong, just a mere watchful eyes and am a sinner. No ways”

She walks away from her balcony back to her room which was looking at her in retrospection. Here she came as married girl but it’s so strange how the spark withers. I know he loves me and I too but I miss the days of being felt special. Love is not a ritual to be performed .It also doesn’t mean you understand and I understand sometime. Love also means to make me feel loved, she confides to herself.

She goes back to her best friend, her mirror and intently gazes her own self being iterated through other side of dead walls and light. “Do I still look beautiful” she asks with smile. Trying to search the answers in her own lips as they are going to say “yes you do” The glances of other guy across the building has made her feel euphoric again. She finds peace after a long time.

Mere a glance can do wonders, be it first time being looked across the benches or the last time being bade bye by the loved ones. The glances create hitches. Goosebumps they say is highly contagious to the functional mechanism of the body, they affect all. This new discovery of her, did make her see beauty around.

She was lost in her own paraplegia dream. The sudden cacophonous ring of telephone wakes her up. Irritated she walks to take the call, uttering to herself ” These phones seems to have animosity of some kind”. Anyhow forcing euphony in her voice she asks

“Who is this?”

“Hi care for coming to taste my new invention”

What the crap, annoyed she says somehow “Sure why not”

Conversation really amuses the way it goes. Mind speaks to heart, heart speaks to tongue, and Brain interrupts controlling the signals of tongue. The tongue making a balance act does salsa with teeth to utter the words and flows to reality.

She locks the flat and goes to her neighbor.

Woman! woman! Without a talk, like thirsty ship for a walk.

This time her mind has let her dwell farther while having conversation. Circumlocution is also an art, and she being connoisseur somehow manages to bring the question which has been captive for quite a while

“Who is the guy in the red building, seems he is preparing for some exams, looks to me quite diligent”

“Hmm who? Oh that around the corner one…but?

“But?”

“How can you say that he studies?”

“Every morning he is there on his rooftop, I guess for studying only”

“But how can he study, the guy … He is blind”

“What!”

Taken aback with revelation of moment, she tightly held her hand. She looks back at her friend sitting near bit puzzled.

And she smiles…